


Monsters inside my head

by Amos24



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Depression, F/F, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-20 10:33:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6002578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amos24/pseuds/Amos24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning self-harm, suicide attempt read at own risk.</p><p>Korra can't take the voice telling her she isn't good enough anymore, lucky she knows how to shut it up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introducing the Voice

**Author's Note:**

> This is darker then my other stories, there is self-harm and terrible spelling.  
> I haven't had anybody read over this so there might be mistakes if you see one point it out and I'll try my best to fix it.  
> Let me know what you think.
> 
> Oh and sorry to the people reading After School, I have a new chapter written but I don't really like it or where the story is heading so I may not be finishing that one sorry again...

Chapter 1 Introducing 'the Voice':

“Morning 'all powerful Avatar' Korra.”  
I'm awoken by a voice I hear way too often in dreams and most recently my waking hours. The menacing greeting makes getting out of bed a little harder evey morning, specially when most nights are filled with realistic nightmares and if I am lucky I get an hour of uninterrupted sleep. I drag myself out of bed and don't even bother changing out of my night clothes or brushing my hair these simple acts proving to be too much for me today. I do however wrap my blue bands around my forearms, I catch my reflection in the small wall mirror, I look horrible. I square my shoulders ready to face the day and I venture out of my room with fake confidence.

'As if that'll stop them from finding out how weak you are.'

'Weakling is written all over you and your arms hold the proof.'

Pain stabs in my chest like a cold, sharp knife, the knife gets stuck behind a rib, and panic clutches at my throbbing heart, the hall grows longer and the short trip becomes a long journey into the unknown the one thing I do know is that it is going to be a bad day. I somehow make it to breakfast, later than everyone and I am left with one option for a seat and it is in between Jinora and Asami. Without thinking I quickly take the empty seat, Pema hands me a bowl filled with oatmeal. I nod my thanks and take a small bite of the bland food, giving Pema a half-ass smile that she politely returns with a heartfelt smile. My stomach reacts violently with the food, I cover a gag with a cough and avoid eating by swirling it around the bowl.

“Morning Korra,” Ikki yells from the other side of the table, I glance up and give her a real soft smile unlike the one Pema received. I can't let anyone see how bad I really feel, specially the air-babies they are too young to understand. Everyone is depending on me to be able to protect them and to fix their problems. 'I can't show them my weakness.'

“And weak you are, you make more problems then you fix.”

The knife stuck in between my ribs twists with the words and I barely manage to stop the imaginary pain from showing. I slump further into my seat, pulling my legs up.

“Did you sleep well? You don't look like you slept well, are you having trouble sleeping? Did you have a nightmare? I thought I heard someone scream out last night, oh are you going to eat? Why aren't you eating? Isn't nice? I thought it was nice, Mum always cooks the best food,” Ikki talks a mile a minute making me focus on her instead of the voice. I'm not ready for the onslaught of unintentionally painful questions, I honestly don't know how to answer and I feel the panic taking over again.

“Ikki that is enough, it is too early in the morning,” much to my relief Tenzin buts in stopping the questions I don't want to answer. Grabbing tightly to the spoon helps with connecting to the present, I slow my breathing down and feel the panic retreat. Asami is looking a me her gaze full of something I'm not sure what, concern or maybe pity. I shrug it off as nothing.

After that slip up everyone eats in silent, I stare into space continuing to swirl the spoon around the bowl, playing with the food and having little mouth fulls when people look. 

“Ikki is right you don't look too good,” Asami's voice is a soft whisper in my ear.

“I am fine,” I grit the lie through clenched teeth.

I get up from my seat, knocking the chair to the floor, suddenly frustrated and needing to get away as panic and fear takes over for frustration. I run out the room unaware of following footsteps. 

I slam the bathroom door behind me, twisting the lock. I turn falling against the door and slowly slide down landing with a soft thump. My breathing is erratic and my heart pounds harshly in my chest.

 

I'm tired, just tired and my body constantly aches. Nothing helps, not even sleeping for hours on end and there is a voice in my head that keeps telling me I'm not good enough, that I was never good enough and I'll never be good enough. There is only one thing that relieves the pain and stops the voice. I can't let anybody to find out alas they think I am even more incompetent and selfish then they originally thought.

'You are an incompetent and selfish child.'

Pain radiates through my body, filling my lungs like liquid and it is getting more difficult to control myself with every ragged breathe. My stomach turns, threatening to realise the little food I've eaten recently. I struggle blindly to undo my blue wraps from their place on my forearms, revealing scars and bruises that are in varying stages of healing. Long fresh pink scars and white old ones criss cross over bruised skin. I pick up a blade without looking, and I know that in my hand is a simple small water tribe blade that is meant for hunting. I stroke it gently with my thumb, lost in thought.

'Do it , prove how absolutely worthless you are.'

I grab hold of my pounding head, unsuccessfully trying to stop the voice before it gets too out of control. A shiver goes down my back chilling me to the bone, agonising pain follows and the voice taunts me more.

'Do it, you are a coward no wonder you have nobody left .' 

'Pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic.'

'Stupid, do it, try and stop me not like you've ever been able to before haha.'

The voice keeps going and it won't stop, I lift my head tears streaming down my face without permission. I raise the hand holding the blade and it shakes with uncontrollable spasms. I rest it against my forearm like hundreds of times before. Almost like a muscle memory, I lightly pull and with a sting a thin line of red appears. The cut is small and does nothing to quell the voice instead it gets louder making my head throb with every taunt. 

'Useless useless useless useless.'

'Pathetic excuse for an Avatar.'

'Stupid stupid stupid stupid.'

I drag the blade harder, another stinging red line appears and still the voice continues chanting.

'Worthless worthless worthless worthless.'

With reckless abandon I slash it across my arm, and with every new cut the voice quietens down. I stop when the normal sting is replaced by a numb movement that only causes more blood to spill. My arm is overwhelmed by deep gashes, dark blood is dripping down my arm staining the once clean stone floor black. 

Everything is fuzzy, I slump forward, a sharp pain behind my eyes forces me to close them; the ever present tiredness taking over. Before total darkness can take me to oblivion the door is forced open and I hear a sharp gasp that could've been my name. I'm too far gone to care and I let the darkness carry me away to better days.

Words: 1228


	2. Still here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok people as promised I am publishing this at the end of the week (well near enough) 
> 
> If you spot any mistakes point them out as I am a terrible speller, I try my best but sometimes word slip past my notice and again I haven't had anybody read it over so yea mistakes happen.  
> If anybody feels this is a misinterpretation of depression/mental health then comment and I'll try and adjust.
> 
> I love reading comments and getting Kudos so go crazy.

Frantic voices filter into my subconscious, I'm still not awake enough to understand what's being said around me. I am lifted from the floor like a limp doll, I am unable to control my body and it freaks me out. I am unable to anything other than be carried like sick child.

“It's ok Korra, you going to be ok,” the soft sentence is cut off by sobs yet somehow it reaches me when the light is getting the darkest and I let the overwhelming blackness take over before anything else can properly register.

A breeze whips my hair around, covering my face and screwing my view. The wind abruptly stops, I push brown hair away from my eyes. What I see makes me wish the wind never stopped; Republic city destroyed. Piles of dead bodies and fliers of Amon everywhere. I pick one up and it crumbles to ash in my hands.

'See what you let happen?'

Heart aching I walk towards a small pile of bodies, one of the bodies on the pile becomes clear its Tenzin and as I get closer the rest come into view. Pema, Jinora, Ikki, Meelo, Mako and Bolin. With every new body revealed I feel my heart breaks even more. My eyes reach the bottom of the pile and there lays an barely recognisable Asami. I collapses to my knees, legs unable to support my weight and the weight of failure to protect the city and most importantly my loved ones.

'You couldn't save them, you couldn't save her.'  
It fades to darkness with those haunting words echoing.

My heart is beating crazily and my eyes won't open. I calm down feeling a soft pressure on my hand as if someone was holding it and I can slightly hear a feminine voice whispering to me. Again I try to open my eyes, they are stick and won't do more then flicker. The fluttering of my eye lids stops the person whispering to me and instead they are shouting for someone else. I use up the little energy I have trying to wake up and I fall into a deeper then possible sleep. 

I wake up differently this time, for one I'm alone and I actually manage to open my eyes. They are still extremely heavy and the effort to stay awake takes a toll on my body. I roll my head and notice my arm is covered in a white bandage that is spotting red in places, I shift to my side at least I try to, I am stopped by something holding me down. My arms are held down with handcuffs and my upper body is held by rope. I start pulling at the restraints, nothing happens and I don't have enough energy to do anything about them now. My tiredness quickly overwhelms me and I am out to the world again.  
….................................................................................................

It's unlike the other times which I can hardly remember, the difference being the room is full of people and my eyes are less heavy. I make a noise my throat too dry to make understandable words. Everyone turns their attention to me. Four sets of sad eyes met mine and I am filled with uncontrollable pain for I am one to put the sadness there.

'Of course you did, Everything you do every decision you've ever made has caused them nothing but pain.' 

The familiar ache squeezes my chest hindering my breathing, it coming only in short huffs and I am about to vomit or pass out again.

“Here, drink this,” a cold metal is placed against my lips, I drink greedily until there is nothing left.

The room is deadly quiet, nobody ready to poke the elephant in the room. I try and sit up, I manage to practically sit when I am stopped by the restraints that still trap me to the bed. 

“Why I'm I tied to a bed?” My voice is soft and full of confusion. Looking around to sullen faces, Tenzin and Pema stand close together avoiding my gaze, Katara stares at me with eyes full of sadness and Asami angrily glares at the floor. 

The room is still, nobody moves a muscle and no one attempts to answer me. Asami takes a deep breathe, stepping closer to the bed and kneeling on the floor next to me, face a mixture of sorrow and anger. Her eyes glisten, filled to the brim with unshed tears.

“We,” her voice cracks on the first word and she starts again, “we had to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself,” the unsaid again echoes in my head. My heart drops to my stomach, swallowing hard I nod my head in understanding unable to form the words.

“You're supposed to be the Avatar,” Tenzin snaps practically growling, “you are stronger than this.” 

'Weak weak weak weak'

The voice sings the words in a taunting manner and the tension in the room intensifies, the elephant having been disturbed and its smashing around the room. 

“I think, everyone should leave now to let Korra rest,” Katara speaks up, without argument Tenzin and Pema shuffle out the door, Pema wishes me well with a gentle kiss on the forehead. Asami and Katara chose to stay. 

When they have left Katara unwraps the bandage stopping halfway through silently asking permission to remove them, I observe Asami who is looking anywhere other then my arm. I nod for her to continue. She unwraps the old bandage and I get the first look at the damage I did to myself. My stomach reacts violently at the sight of healing wounds. Hundreds of red lines criss cross over each other, the deepest have healed as think red angry lines. I look away, instead choosing to focus on my restraints and trying to figure a way free. I twist my arm not being hold by a healer, I pull nothing happens the metal too strong for my weakened body.

'Weak you heard Tenzin, you are weak, pathetic and useless.' 

I keep twisting my wrist, the voice chanting in my head, I try my hardest to ignore it but it won't go away. Something soft grabs me the movement, which was becoming painful, stops. A thought hits me as I look into Asami's eyes, maybe I'll be ok.


	3. The Consequences of Selfish Actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry haven't been in the mood? for writing don't know if I'd call it a mood. This is like half the size of the other two chapters, I guess something is better then nothing right guys?
> 
> Sorry about any mistakes.

Turns out I was unconscious for nearly 2 weeks, Katara's healing was only able to fix the physical wounds. They all thought I was going to die, until I didn't, I was shocked myself. There is a mixed bag of emotions from everyone and I can't say I blame them. I feel the same way, confused. 

I hate that they saw me like how I truly am, weak and pathetic. I wait for the painful taut, the voice doesn't step in to saying anything but I swear I feel it smirking.

Katara unties me couple of a days after I woke. Someone has even taken way all the sharp objects and hidden anything that could potentially be made into a blade. Not that they needed to as I am accompanied by someone at all times. I haven't seen Asami since I was untied, her absence leaves a aching hole in my already beaten heart. I've never felt more alone, even with a random person always sitting in the room with me. Making sure I eat and don't attempt to hurt myself... Again. 

The pain of living is still a consent thing, the voice never leaving in fact it's gotten worse. It tells me all the time, I can't do anything right, I couldn't even shut it up permanently. 

At night I get alone time, expect for the guard at the door encase I decide to leave. At least it's something, better then I deserve.

I stare at the roof, my mind drifts among the stars, thoughts silence for once. The door opens with a soft squeal causing a harsh crash back to reality. A figure stands in the door way casting a human shaped shadow bigger than the person hesitantly standing there. 

I squint the light hurting my eyes, another person appears from behind the first. It's Ikki and Jinora.

“I told she is asleep,” Jinora's soft voice is calming.

“No I'm not,” my voice husky form disuse startles them. Two sets of puppy dog eyes look at me and my heart melts.

I gesture for them to enter. They do quickly, Ikki holds a candle. The candles gives the room an eerie lighting. They stand at my beds side hesitating to speak or move, I shuffle over to allow them to jump on the bed with me. They airbend themselves onto the small bed. Quickly throwing themselves at my side. Ikki hides her face in my neck, her tears hit my skin.

“It's all my fault,” Ikki lets out a heart wrenching sob.

“If,” her words are taken over by tears, “if I didn't pester you with questions.” She cries louder, Jinora and I watch helpless.

“Shh no no shh,” I pull her closer to me, lifting her head so I can look into her eyes. Tears leak out of my own eyes.

“This is not your fault,” I tell her firmly, I pull her deeper into the hug. I whisper what I hope is reassuring words to the distraught girl. I hear a soft hiccup, I glance up at Jinora and she is sobbing quietly by herself. I grab her hand shaking it to get her attention, she slowly looks up and I tug her hand towards forcing her to join the hug.

We cry until we all full asleep, cuddling together on my small bed and from the first time in days I feel loved.


	4. Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been in a writing mood for so long!! Now I've had the time to sit down and write.
> 
> This is only a small chapter just something to get me back into the swing of things have no clue when the next chap will be out hopefully earlier then this one is... Anyways it's unedited and if you spot any mistakes let me know and I'll fix it!
> 
> Enjoy :)

They're all waiting for me at the breakfast table, it's deadly silent. Everyone is wearing grim faces. Some people are avoiding eye contact, I keep my head down and find an empty chair to sit in.

"Korra nice to see you this morning," Tenzin voice is off, almost forced. I nod my head in acknowledgement.

"How is your...uh problem," even Tenzin winces at his own words, I push my seat back and jump to my feet breathing heavily like I'd just gone a few rounds in a pro-bending match, Tenzin looks as if he wants to apologise I don't give him the chance and instead I snap.

"I don't have a problem! I'm fine" the hitch in my voice the only evidence needed to prof I'm anything other than fine. Tears fall against my will, I turn quickly and high tail it out of there.

Running without thinking and blinded by tears I don't know where I'll end up but at this moment I don't care where as long as it's way from them. Stopping due to exhaustion, I notice the air is freezing causing my cheeks to sting. I clench my eyes shut breathing deeply, I take lungfuls of crisp clean air different to my room which is much too warm and the air stale.

Tentatively I open one eye then the other to reveal that I am outside for the first time in who knows how many months, honestly I had stopped counting. I'm at the edge of a cliff somewhere on the island and its getting dark.

'One step forward is all it will take, the water looks pretty cold it won't take long I promise.'

Listening to the voice while staring off into space I'm side swiped by something hard, smashing me into the ground. Panic rises in my chest when a slobbery tongue touches my face eliminating the start of a panic attack. Its like a switch has been flipped. 

I turn my body to see my attacker clearly, Naga.

"Hey girl," she continues to lick my face forcing a small chuckle, "yea I missed you too."

Naga gives me a sad look that is almost too human for a polar bear-dog. I cuddle into her fur not wanting to let go. I feel how heavy my eyes are and its a losing battle keeping them open. I curl into a ball against Nagas warm body and stop fighting. For the first time in awhile falling into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short little chap with the fav girls Korra and Asami

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter and as always it's unedited.

Sometime in the night I ended up in my room, Naga laying next to me in the bed not wanting to give up being close to me just yet. I stay curled into her side needing the warmth and soon fall back to sleep.

Waking up the second time I feel refreshed, my brain isn't pounding and knock on wood the voice is silent for once. I stretch while walking over to the window, pulling it open to let the room air out for the first time in months. I decide to stay in my room this morning and maybe for the rest of the day to avoid everyone after yesterday's incident.

Climbing back into the warm bed cuddled up with Naga causes a nice content feeling for once. I settle in deciding to snooze for a little longer when a knock sounds at the door.

"Hmm? Whoisit?" I mumble into Naga's side. 

Whoever is at the door enters.

"Hi Korra," her voice is quiet but it still causes a fluttery sensation in my stomach and makes my heart beat faster, "I brought you some food, you haven't eaten in awhile."

I notice the smell after she points out the food she is carrying and my stomach growls louder than a Polar bear-dog, it also wakes Naga up.

I hear Asami's sweet chuckle, I am too hungry to be embarrassed and I note that it is another first being hungry that is. She gently places the tray on my lap. I hesitate for a second before ripping into the food, I eat without tasting. Asami sits in the space at the foot of the bed and waits patiently for me to finish.

I finish quickly, I stare at the empty plate waiting for Asami to say something anything.

She inhales deeply like she's going to say something and then just deflates. Her tears causes a painful not in my stomach, this is my fault I'm the cause of her suffering of her sadness, I push the tray aside and gathering her into my arms the best I can with the little room I have. This seems to make her cry harder so I just tighten my hold letting her no I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

She pulls back while still holding onto me. 

"Please don't do anything like that again we all love you so much, I..." Her voice hitches a little, "I love you." It's quietly said like a secret for only me to know.

I lean my forehead against her shoulder and whisper "I love you too."

 

TBC


End file.
